If I did Stand-up

I would say something like this:

“Hi everyone, hope you’re doing well out there! So, I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m half-Japanese. Yeah, my mother is Japanese. My whole left side is Japanese, actually! Especially my elbow. I grew up in Japan, and experienced a lot of anime…you guys like anime? Kids watch the weirdest shit when they’re growing up. I’m way ahead of you guys, because I saw women’s boobs on TV very, very early. You know what I mean.

“I really loved it there but you never fit in. People call you gaijin, which means ‘outsider.’ I was always the outsider. I remember walking down the street one time and this kid shoved me and screamed ‘gaijin!’ And I turned around and I was like, ‘Where? Let’s get that mofo.’ But I couldn’t hide from who I was.

“I eventually moved back to the states, and I had a bit of a rough time there, too. I encountered a lot of bullying. Yeah, my art teacher was particularly mean. He said my still life’s looked like they were moving around all over the place, you know? I thought I was a real artist. Not like Bob Ross or something, who I did respect in my own way. But seriously, I did actually get bullied by kids because I was part Japanese. This one kid called me sushi, which I thought was kind of vague. It would have been more effective if he used a specific kind of sushi, you know. Like ‘Hey, fatty tuna!’ or ‘fucking rainbow roll!’ or something like that. But I guess there just wasn’t much sushi knowledge back then. Things have changed.

“When I was a kid I moved around so much that as soon as I arrived, I started packing for the next place. I would have liked to take the people with me too. For example, if I could have fit my geography teacher into one of the cardboard boxes, it would have been convenient. What can I say? He was a nice guy. But you couldn’t do that! I had to build a whole new life every couple of years. But never having finished building a life in the last place, I found myself always building. Maybe I’m still doing that. And that’s why I’m here, talking to you. To finish the construction.

“Thank you very much!”